General

I am a fucking mess. I love him. Help. I suck at words. I am a dancer, I express myself though that.
But I am fucking spinning. I caused this. I encouraged this.

Apologize and help him get healthy. Feeling guilty is not a priority.

But he doesn’t wanna stop. He said he will try to eat healthy, but I found 5 quarts of heavy cream in the fridge(he is a stay at home dad so he does the shopping).
I went though his phone and found that he has a tumblr account that I did not know of where he has been posting pictures of himself as he gained.
I knew nothing of this. But, I will note he did have married/happily taken on his bio, so that made me feel good.
Oh, I also learned that he really gets off off on my weight loss. I mean he has certainly been much more sexual with me in the last year as I went on ozempic and literally weigh less than I did in the first grade. Did he not like chubby me?
I dunno just rando thoughts

I don't know, but I do know some men get off of the change, whether it's a gain or a loss.

I know what you are going through because I went through something similar.

First thing you gotta understand is that this is not your fault. You tried to keep him safe. He didn't listen to you. And now we have the consequences of his actions.

Not your acts.

His.

Now that we have established this, we can talk solutions.

Put your foot down. Don't yell at him, but be very blunt about your feelings. Tell him your concerns and worries.

And most importantly, there needs to be some kind of consequence. I know you've told him your concerns in the past, so just telling him will not do anything. He is, unfortunately, addicted to gaining at this point. So the best thing you can do is step back. I will leave the degree up to you. You know your husband better than I. But you need to step back from engaging in kink with him so he can understand he needs to shape up.

I wish you well, love.

I also want to add that he probably liked it when you were chubby. But now that he's the fat one, he gets off on contrast.

It's pretty common, actually.

A smattering of thoughts:

I’d speak to him about what his risk calculus is. Every gainer has one of some sort, whether its more or less intuitive or fully reasoned-out.

For example, I was always very comfortable with the idea that gaining might lead to certain chronic but treatable health conditions, and which could be improved with exercise and a good “maintenance” diet after I’d reached my desired size.

Talking that through with my non-feedist wife was really useful for her understanding of where I saw all of this leading.

I suggest you have a frank discussion with him about how he thinks this is manageable in the long term, and what kinds of health conditions he is actually comfortable with developing. He may need to be realistic about how well he is going to manage them, and realistic about how much control he actually has of what his health does. I’d suggest requiring that he attend a doctor, and have a similarly open discussion with the doctor in your presence.

If he’s not prepared to do that, he’s naïve and a fool.

In relation to his tumblr, I have one as well, because sometimes you just need to know how others see you and see your thoughts — not just your wife.

It’s problematic if he’s doing it because he doesn’t think he is able to show you that side of himself. Again, this merits discussion of why.

When I started mine, I gave my wife the option of observing every step. She chose not to, and to my knowledge has never once looked at it, but that is the kind of transparency that you need.

In relation to your slender figure, as Munchies observed, this may just be the thrill of contrast.

In my own case, my wife was 450 lbs when we met, and hated her physique. She has since had a gastric sleeve, and uses ozempic. She is now 200 lbs. Now, I’ve always been a “the fatter the better” type, but I can say without question that we are both much happier now that she is more confident in her body - and that has lead to an improvement in our sex life.

Thanks Munchies
We had a talk last night. Long story short, we are going to find a couples therapist as well As get him one himself.
The obsession with this kink is really just the last manifestation of his all or nothing thinking.
Hell, last night he told me that when he was a bodybuilder 20 years ago, long before we meant, he used to inject insulin (had no idea bb did this) and rattled off the names of shit that he took to gain muscle.
I know he took bb up to help him get off alcohol (we meant in aa). So, yeah he has addiction issues lol. He is also autistic so the all or nothing thinking is really part of asd I have learned.
So that is where we are. I do think he cares about his health. And I myself am no stranger to addiction, 10 years sober.
So that is where we are

Ngl, I love it too. Just my insecurity of a girl who was chubby/fat her whole life

Ah, the good old autistic all or nothing mentality. I am very familiar. My mom worked so hard to get me to understand the concept of nuance.

God bless her soul, but I have no idea how she put up with me back then.

Good news is that he is open to making things work with both you and his personal wellbeing. If he was able to kick his other habits, then I have hope he can kick this. And maybe, in therapy, he can address the root of his addictive personality.

I think you two will be okay.